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0. Dedicated 1/20/2025
1. Barriers To Exit 2/2/2025

Why Am I Writing?

I am writing because I aim to bring hope and comfort to those experiencing the loss of their Christian faith. Losing your faith can be catastrophic. The amount of fear and isolation that comes with the process can leave someone wishing they were never born. And so when you feel alone, I want you to know that you are not the only one going through this.

I write so that you can know someone who's been through what you are going through. I remember feeling like my thoughts were being actively invaded by satan and his demons. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, "The thoughts you are having could drag you and your loved ones to hell!" And after I boiled everything down into its purest form, you know what was left? Fear.

The fear of being punished. The fear of missing out. The fear of harming others with my beliefs. The fear of hurting the Christians who love me. The fear of misleading my child. And the list goes on and on.

I am afraid, and so I write to be brave.

I write to say all the things I've been afraid of facing for the past 2 years.

Who Am I?

My name is Phillip England, and at the time of this writing I am 31 years old (born in 1993). I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma and work at a local Chick-fil-A. I have been a Christian my entire life. Specifically, a Christian Fundamentalist. That is, I believed the entire Bible to be absolutely true (despite never having read it fully). If I had to put a denomination on it, I think Southern Baptist fits quite nicely. But, my views did shift a lot throughout the years.

During my teens and early twenties, I struggled with a severe, life-threatening drug addiction. This set the stage for my deepened faith in adulthood. During the latter half of my drug addiction, I turned to God as a means to escape. Despite actively using drugs, I started reading my Bible and read through the majority of the New Testament.

I'll never forget the moment I read the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:21-23. I had just gotten home from the movie theatre I worked at, and while everyone else was partying and drinking, I read:

This verse scared me to death. Up until this point in my life, my faith was always something I adopted from other people. But for the first time in my life, I took ownership of my faith.

It didn't happen all at once, but over the course of the next 8 or so years, I slowly got my life together. Christianity played a huge role in that.

But not everything that glitters is gold. Something can benefit your life in one way, while harming your life in another way.

What Happened?

It did not happen all at once. It was gradual. A small thought here. A discrepancy there. I tried to ignore it. I did not want to lose my faith, it was uncomfortable, like a toothache. The pressure mounted and cracks started forming on the surface of my faith. I used all the duct tape I could find to hold things together.

I found myself frustrated at the idea of Muslims going to hell. I felt like they did not really have a solid choice in what they believe. "They are a product of their culture and environment", I thought. Was I a product of my culture and environment?

I found myself unable to reconcile some of the actions of the Biblical God in the Old Testament. "Why would God command the Israelites to take the virgins of Jericho as spoils of war?" It felt like something men would write (and want), not a loving God.

I recognized within myself the capacity to ignore, justify, and explain away just about anything. "I believe in a book I haven't even fully read", I thought. Do my beliefs even line up with the words of the Bible? If I am capable of defending a book I haven't even read, how much more diluted am I in other areas?

I started having discussions with anyone willing to talk to me. It was a painful process. It became clear that most people have not thought about their faith past the surface level. They were just like me, simply believing what their parents, culture, and environment taught them to think and say. Alarm bells went off.

Despite the outward appearance of Christianity being open and inviting to questions, this is not what I found in reality. I found a faith avoidant of the light of questioning. I discovered that a lack of questioning was the only thing keeping the doubts at bay.

I discovered that Christianity is what Christians say it is. You can read your Bible, and if you guarded yourself from outside influence, the interpretation you walk away with will be starkly different than the interpretation of another who's done the same. And both readers may find themselves feeling like their perspective is a gift from the divine.

Because questioning felt so scary, I started to believe it was the right thing to do. The scariest things in life have the most potential to grow my character. I remember hearing Matt Dillahunty say, "Is fear a good reason to believe in something?"

Once I recognized that fear was not a good reason to believe something, I knocked everything off the table and started from ground zero. And I've been scared ever since.